Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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