guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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