there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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