my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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