dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
