dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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