Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
