Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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