Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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