How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
