True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
even my farts smell like vagina
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
