apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
is wine microwaveable?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
