I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
