My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
