last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
