Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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