Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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