I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
