She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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