How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
