Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
