I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
