i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
