It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
