When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
