I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
