I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
