someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my shit smells like andre
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
