Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
