No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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