shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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