Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My balls are so social today.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
