Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
