I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
