Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
