So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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