i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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