Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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