She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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