Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
