yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
