I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize