She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
