Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
