I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
