We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
