proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
