and you said cock pushups were impossible
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
