I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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