if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
