Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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