I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
