He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
