We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
