Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
