yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
