No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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