maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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